Q: "If you are the one who lose someone (Parents), what is your reaction (i.e. how you manage the situation, your emotions etc.)?"

Father and mother is the most precious and important person in my life, without them I will not exist in this world. To be truth, I have lose my beloved father 4 years ago on 17^th June 2010. I lost my beloved father at the age of 20. Indeed, I am a daddy’s daughter. I closer with my father than my mother.

At first, I cannot accept that my father already gone because I’m still not ready, I cannot handle my feeling from felt so much regret. I regret because not take good care of him well. But, I kept that feeling alone. I did not express it to other family member because my mother and my third sister having seriously breakdown due to this loss. If I let this feel of sadness, my family will lost. Although I felt so much sad, I just keep it alone because I have no one to express it. I remain calm and act like I can accept all what happen although each time want to sleep, my tears flow nonstop. From inside, my life mess. I do not know what to do. The next day, on the day of funeral, I got news that I will enroll to IIUM. At that time, I feel more breakdown. I do not want to go, I do not want to stay away from my family during this period. Also, I remember that my father have say that he cannot sent me register on university if I got enroll to university. And I reply that, if he not going I will not enroll to university but then he said I have to study to change our family life. After that, I can heard he talk alone that he really want to send his daughter to the university but he cannot. However I just ignore what he said because I’m pretty sure that he will beside me when I register to any university.

By remembering all those memories, I keep myself strong. I keep reminding myself that my family needs me. I have to be strong for them. Few days after my father pass away, we gather all family and have heart to heart chit chat. It start good but then become worse when we blaming each other be the reason my father gone, yes we still cannot accept that he already gone. At that time I could see that the bond between us is loose and I cannot let it happen. Because of them I have to be strong.

I start with pretend I’m okay, by pretending like that my third sister ask me that I have not felt guilty at all of my father gone, but I answer her that his promise. We that still alive have to move on, but still my sister cannot accept it. For almost 1 year she just stay in the room, not mingle with other family members, she just sleep while hugging the shirt that my father wore when he die. By looking at her condition, it makes me stronger and want to take care of my family. I do not want to lose any of my family anymore.

But, when I alone, I remember all what I did to my father. To be truth, all the bad things. When he sick, I mad at him because not taking medicine at time, I mad at him because drink sweet drink, if my father do not follow what I said, I will mad at him. Until now I still remember all those thing. I just though what good for his health until I forgot about his heart.

My father not such a caring father like other fathers. But he give all his love to all his children. I miss all word that come out from his mouth either harsh or soft word. I miss all that. But to recover the missing, I reciting Al-Quran, that’s the only way I have to express my love and miss to him.

My emotion until today, still manageable. I can manage this feeling although I very rarely visiting his graveyard. For me, after my beloved father pass away a piece of my life also gone. Losing of that piece of my life make me become such a new person. More calm and stronger, more responsible, more sincere in this life. And the most important thing, I more appreciate what I have now. Now I have my mother, no matter how my mother treat me, I give her all my love because I do not want to regret like what I felt on my father.

If I could turn back the time, I will be such a good daughter for my beloved father. I will treat him right. I will take care if his heart and health. But unfortunately I cannot, Allah SWT have decide everything. All already happened, there is nothing I can do to repay this regret.